This is your campaign as much as it is Joe's and it won't happen without your involvement. Please take a look at what needs to be done and then take action!
I will go to the highest mountain and think for as long as it takes about what this all means.
I'll only teach the secrets of Joe Kune Do to worthy souls who will practice and uphold the traditions of the temple.
I will carry a highlighter around and highlight "Joe" in any written form I come across.
The next time I get the opportunity to try turnips I'll do so.
When a telemarketer calls I'll ask them if they ever thought about doing something more worthwhile with their talent like working for the forces of Joe.
When the fair comes around I'll slap a VoteJoe sticker on a bumper car and ride it all day long, yelling out "Here comes the next host of Late Night" on every collision.
I'll never laugh along with a laugh track again.
If it's Mountain Dew that this campaign needs, it's Mountain Dew that this campaign will get!
I will purchase a moderately rusty mid 80's two-wheel drive pickup, drop the suspension, add custom rims, paint it with a sparkle finish, and apply large white calligraphic letters on the back window in a half-moon pattern spelling "Vote Joe Vatos!"
When compiling my list of the ten greatest movies of all time, I will make Citizen Kane number one, not because I like it but because I feel other critics expect it.
If Joe's nomination for Late Night host is stalled, I will change the Senate rules to eliminate the filibuster.
I will use non-selective weed and vegetation killer to burn "Vote Joe" into my front lawn.
I will read the directions on the box before making the Hamburger Helper this time.
I will order the White Chocolate Mocha, but ask her to make it with skim milk.
I will clean my room without being told.
I will hit a ground ball to first and move the runner to third base, even if it means hurting my batting average.
Next time a Girl Scout tries to sell me cookies I'll cut a deal for them to plug VoteJoe because nobody can say no to a Girl Scout.
When asked why I've been punching out early at work I'll say, "I'm part of something way bigger now man, way bigger"
Instead of yelling "Freebird" at concerts I'll yell "Freebird and VoteJoe!"
If I need a tetanus booster I'll be sure to get one soon because we don't want anybody getting lockjaw in the middle of the campaign.
When all those subscriptions cards fall out of the next People I'm reading I won't get hot because it's going to be great to see Joe in People one day and they have to keep it going somehow.
I'll thank Joe on my next album.
I'll have the next kid I see scrawling on the sidewalk with chalk slip "VoteJoe" in there somewhere.
I will keep some steaks on hand in case Joe stops by, but I won't make a big deal about it.
I will profess my opposition to the death penalty on the off chance that Joe is wrongly convicted on a murder.
I will call my Senator and ask them just why they haven't taken any action on Late Night yet.
I will start a pointless online petition that demands that NBC sit up and take notice of Joe Garden, and then I'll forget about it.
I will tell my friends that Sin City would have been a lot better if Joe Garden had been a guest director.
I will call the America's Most Wanted hotline and tell them that I spotted Joe Garden in his Brooklyn home, and he appeared to be armed and hilarious.
I will push poll residents in swing states, asking them if they'd prefer a nice guy like Joe Garden as host of Late Night or a love terrorist like Carson Daly.
I will not write Vote Joe Garden on my breasts and post a picture online because it would be undignified and would send the wrong message.
I will form a 1960's cover band, and change the songs we play to include Joe's name ("The Wind Cries Joe", "All You Need Is Joe", "Joe Along The Watchtower", "Subterranean Homesick Joe".)
I will start an internet blog and write passionately about Joe's campaign, writing essays, opinions and recommendations each and every day under the vain misapprehension that anyone is actually reading it.
When Jehovah's Witnesses come to my door asking to speak with me about the Bible, I will say, Sure& if I can speak with you about Joe Garden.
I will become a TV meteorologist, referring to my radar equipment as the Vote Joe Super Doppler.
I, Professor Fate, shall challenge my arch enemy, The Great Leslie, to a 22,000 mile automobile race from New York to Paris, getting to our final destination by whatever means necessary.
I will teach my students the mnemonic device "Vote Joe" for remembering the planets in our solar system (Venus, O'Mercury, That one with all the rings, Earth, Jupiter, Olaus Magnus, Earth 2.)
If I am on fire, I will stop, drop and roll AFTER telling five people about Vote Joe.
Every time my newborn son or daughter begins to cry, I will wonder aloud whether the child is hungry, needs a diaper change, or wants to see Joe Garden take over hosting duties from Conan O'Brien in 2009.
I will pour vinegar into my baking soda volcano, and then say "Look what Joe did!" to the awed crowd.
I will buy a megaphone and wait for further instructions.
I will throw a dummy wearing a "Vote Joe Garden" t-shirt off of the observation deck of the Empire State Building.
I will make sure the barista doesn't screw up Joe's order, and then, as I take the cup from her, I will inform her that she just made coffee for Joe Fucking Garden.
I will stand outside Rockefeller Plaza holding a sign that reads "Vote Joe Garden".
I will feed Joe's cats while he's away on tour.
I will get the role of Stanley in traveling production of "A Streetcar Named Desire", and instead of screaming, "Stella!" I will shout out "Late Night With Joe Garden!"
I will sign Joe's name alongside my own on birthday cards.
When people ask how I quit smoking, I will respond, "I want to be around to watch Late Night With Joe Garden in 2009."
I'll stop living for tomorrow and start living for 12:35am EST.
When picking out melons for the campaign, I will methodically squeeze each fruit, even though I am uncertain of how firm ripe melons should feel.
I will not talk with my mouth full, unless my talking relates to Joe Garden and his bid for Late Night host in 2009.
I will call a pizza place and order the "Joe Garden." When asked what's on a "Joe Garden", I will respond, "Cheese, pepperoni, innovative comedy, and on special occasions Anita Garden."
I will claim that Joe Garden reminds me of the good old days, when things weren't so complicated, and everyone wasn't always in such a rush. Then I will stare off wistfully into the distance.
I will start making a little more sense and stop jabbering so damn much.
When in Hawaii, I will greet others with a warm "Joeloha".
I will rebound and play defense.
I will call up a drugstore and ask if they have Joe Garden in a can. When they say no, I will respond, "That's because such a dynamic product will not exist until 2009" before hanging up.
I will shave "Vote Joe" into the back of my head.
Whenever someone asks for my opinion, say, "Well, I was talking to Joe Garden, and he said…"
I will call out Joe Garden's name during sex.
I will go to a sporting event and hold up a banner reading "Joe 12:35" instead of "John 3:16”.
When Social Security becomes insolvent I'll keep saying "Joe Garden saw it coming, that's why he went out and got himself a show" to everyone angry about not getting a check.
I will stop cutting classes so I can excel in my communications major, get a job at NBC, shoot to the top like a meteor by late 2008 so I can make my first official act the hiring of Joe Garden as host of Late Night.