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The recent Terri Schiavo case calls into question the conservative agenda regarding the supposed sanctity of marriage. In order to clarify their platform, Republicans plan to propose a constitutional amendment to define marriage as a union between a man, a woman, her parents, their federal government, and a feeding tube.
The news came after days of mounting tension when white smoke billowed from the Sistine Chapel chimney, signaling that a new pontiff had been chosen – not to be confused with thick grey plumes which would indicate that the Vatican is on fire.
Last week, White House press secretary Ari Fleischer announced his resignation. The spokesman, known for dodging the toughest questions, says he is leaving his post to spend more time lying at home.
The grandmother of Frenchie Davis, the contestant kicked off American Idol for posing for an adult Web Site, is saying that the singer would not have been eliminated if she was white. The show's producers defended, "While the racism accusations are plausible, we must not lose sight of the fact that the contestant was also fat."
Who guitarist Pete Townshend was arrested Monday by British police who found evidence that he possessed child pornography in his home and office. Townsend admitted to accessing a child porn Internet site, but says that he was conducting research for his upcoming autobiography called "The Kids Are Alright - Alright Indeed."
The United Nations Children's Fund expressed concern that Iraqi children might mistake small yellow bombs for identically colored food packets being handed out by coalition forces. The Pentagon isn't worried however, since they say that even kids know that bombs don't taste good.
The detention of more than 200 Haitians who jumped from an overloaded freighter has become a major issue in Florida's governor's race. The controversy surrounding the issue boils down to whether the refugees would be best exploited as field hands or restaurant workers.
The National Spelling Bee was held today, and the winner was little Sally Driscol of Billings, Montana. The Spelling Bee Grand Marshall was Vice President Dan Quayle. Quayle puzzled the gathering when he kicked off the event by throwing out the first pitch.
Public reaction to the new formula of Coca-Cola is so bad, even Bill Cosby is refusing to endorse it.
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